persistance of loss

Pen Expers

Wed, 23 May 2007 05:49:20 GMT

Okay, so no updates in a while, I know, but I am going to pretend like I've been updating as not to update with the generic "what have I been doing" update.

Today was a pretty okay day, I got to see my little sister (who lives in Destin now so I don't see her or my brother much) which was cool, she's completely awesome. She's 2 (almost 3) and she is incredibly cute and really smart for her age.

I'm also pretty pumped about a bunch of movies, Pirates 3 is going to be badass and I really can't wait til thursday. There's also Control, the movie about Ian Curtis (of Joy Division) that I am looking forward to immensly. I bought his biography the other day but havn't really dove into it yet. Also that strange movie Across the Universe looks pretty interesting.

I will be getting an apartment downtown on August 17, that is the most badass news of the century, and not just that, SARAH IS COMING BACK FROM CALIFORNIA.

It's time to go to bed, I'll update again soon (I swear)

THE RETURN

Sun, 18 Mar 2007 08:39:08 GMT

Oh what a strange time since I've last updated. I've been working hard on the final mixes for the Satoris EP "Heart Ache" due in July. Also there has been this whole school work thing that is annoying.

without a cause

Thu, 17 Aug 2006 05:36:04 GMT

So, I've had an interesting day today, I went down to UAB to get a bunch of shit done, and didn't end up getting any of it done because I was 5 minutes late to my Acedemic Advisor meeting. Yay for bitchy AA's.

I'm throwing a party at my empty Highland Lakes house tommorow night, and what a better way to end a week than getting hammered.

well, nothing else interesting has happened, except for Sam IMing me, always pleasant.

Today we have accomplished nothing, maybe tommorow will bring better luck. Ahh, the story of the past month of my life.

Tue, 15 Aug 2006 03:47:33 GMT

Havn't updated in a while... I got pretty busy playing shows for a while there, writing music, trying to change the world, you know, the usuall. I've grown terribly uninspired lately with these horrible apathetic feelings that nothing matters, and there's nothing really worth saving to begin with. Shitty apathetic things to say, I know, but it seems to be true. I kind of felt like I went out on a limb, showed myself (the me that hides behind this fascade) to the world, did something expirimental and tried to get my message, my feelings out there, and it all got thrown back in my face. Sure, alot of people thought it rocked, but I realized a few weeks ago that all my friends didn't really understand, they just thought it was cool that I was this lead singer in a cool band or whatever. I've gone on alcoholic binges, a few drug binges, and probably all the other self destructive things you could think of, while all at the same time being rather content being an apathetic douchebag. And that is the weird thing about the way I feel right now, I LIKE IT. It's much more convieniant than trying to send a message or change the world.

Oh well, more to come later on what is most currently going on in the life of Bradle, this was just kind of the summary update. Nice to see you folks again, btw. *waves*

Mon, 24 Apr 2006 04:47:46 GMT

Because the last leg of the With Teeth tour is coming up, and marking the end of the With Teeth era, I made a couple photoshops for you.

Fri, 21 Apr 2006 16:45:14 GMT

Wake.. from your sleep
The drying of your tears
Today we escape, we escape

Mon, 17 Apr 2006 03:01:13 GMT

Sometimes you just wonder if the breeze will just carry you off, you feel so light and uncertian. A part of me loves the way uncertianty feels, it's times like those the current of destiny can be felt tugging at you.

So many feeling unexplained, still, it felt like a productive night last night. I feel like no one could ever quite understand me the way Sarah does, and the same goes for vice-versa. Feelings I can't convey in words she already knows, ideas stuck in ruts of the confines of language, flow seamlessly from my mind to hers. And still I miss her so much, and won't be able to see her again until June, maybe July. Lonliness is eating away at me. My band and I are playing our last show (at least for a while) at Head on the Door in montgomery and, I've never felt more stressed out than I do right now. We've got 2 songs that just arn't clicking in rehersals, and I'm determined to get working before the show. I've reclused myself to going to class, going to work, and doing music work, no time for friends (albeit in my current mood I would stay inside even if I wasn't so busy) and stressed out as hell. Right now would be the perfect time for Sarah to come over here and...........this kind of thinking never gets you anywhere, deal with your circumstances, Bradley, don't wish they were some way they can't be.

Sat, 15 Apr 2006 17:23:03 GMT

so here it goes, secret is out.

Like some kind of strange dream where irony is is the main plot, it just seems that life quite likes to spite you. When it's finally got you where it wants you, feeling like relationships are stupid, people are stupid, and there really isn't any point to this bullshit (or the feeling of "maybe I should just blow my head off now"), there is a change. Direct, total, the kind that you can't really believe is happening until afterwords. If there is any feeling that makes you sappier and more stupid (and very illogical, people do stupid things for people they have "fallen in love" with) than "falling in love" I would like to find it. Which is why, if that was how it went down, I probably would have just laughed and gave it the finger. When Sarah Gillis came back into town for spring break, there was no sappy bullshit, no stupid games, no blowing your feelings out of proportion, it just happened honestly. It was more like destiny or ka, and it came like it had always been there. There was never "omg we are so in love lets do stupid shit like call eachother all the time and get upset when they hang out with people rather than talking to me!" (not that any of my relationships have been to that extent, but I see way too much of it on a daily basis.), there was, however, an immense amount of caring and understanding.

If there's one thing I would like you to take from this random ass update it's this: stop being so stupid. stop controlling people. stop saying "forever". stop pretending like you are more in love than everyone else. maybe you are truly "in love" but that isn't something you have to try to be, and if things are meant to work out they will. you don't have to make them. we're all just here playing this stupid game for the same reasons: to find some kind of peace, enlightenment, and happiness. life is too short to fuck up the beautiful things in it.

on a side note, I can't find my cell phone. Oops.

Wed, 12 Apr 2006 17:22:10 GMT

{this post was for me, not for you, you saw nothing.}

Wed, 12 Apr 2006 16:26:06 GMT

I hate when I can't update my LJ publicly because things are going on in my life that right now are big SEEEECRETS.

don't worry, you will know soon enough.

Mon, 03 Apr 2006 06:28:57 GMT

lookout, I sense changes arround, and no I'm not talking about the Bowie song.

Fri, 10 Mar 2006 06:56:15 GMT

as of right now there is a new song on my myspace, albeit there were some technical difficulties recording tonight, and check out the lyrics too, they differ from the ones actually in the song. One More Time is being taken down for re-construction, and some new spice I added too it. Hope you guys enjoy.

www.myspace.com/satorismusic

sorry for all the updates involving my myspace, but with most of my free time going to recording, it really can't be helped.

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 22:33:59 GMT

my myspace has been updated with the first song recorded with a full band, called Sunrise Sunrise. alot more updates to those songs will be comming soon, the songs have matured alot since then.

www.myspace.com/satorismusic

Sun, 05 Mar 2006 08:48:49 GMT

just something random I wrote

Time ceases to dance
To its favorite tune
But she still hears it
It's in his head
It's slowly repeating
And forgetting its way of life
For it's been pierced
By a tiny shard
From a shattered mirror
That reflects its own image
A million times over
In your eyes

Fri, 24 Feb 2006 02:02:47 GMT

I have to type a paper, an autobiographical narrative. Hrmmm this one's going to be fun. I may post it after I'm done if anyone's interested.

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 17:51:41 GMT

I've got the fucking flu. Go away.

Fri, 17 Feb 2006 17:23:13 GMT

As the days seem to be getting longer, I've had less and less free time. I've been involved in so much stuff to destract myself from the way I feel, it's rediculous. I've got two bands (both under my creative control) one of them is Satoris (I've been and am about to start playing live with this band, our first show was at the Alys Stevens Center last week), and the other is Jinsai (just me and my friend Charlie making electronic music). I've gotten so completetly wrapped up in recording and rehersing I've almost forgotten the reason I was trying to destract myself in the first place. < This is a good thing.

I am about to start work on a website for both of my projects, the address will be www.elysiumexile.com and there will be a link-off to Satoris, Jinsai, and Elysium (Sarah's little project in which I am no longer part of, but I did tell her that I would make it, so I will)

I've gotten to working on writing real albums, instead of just playing arround with songs. I am a concept album kind of guy, so in the near future you all should see two c.d's.

Satoris - In the Wake of the Setting Sun

Jinsai - I Never Lose

All the songs you might have heard up until this point are very very rough demo's of songs, they are being vastly changed for an actual album-version. So far things are going really well, everyone involved is excited-lively-and there is a nice buzz going on. Check www.elysiumexile.com for updates. Also, in the very near future (not right now) I am going to completely revamp my myspace with some close-to-finished songs. All songs are still in the un-mastered version at this point, but I just bought Cubase SX 3, so spending time mastering will be very soon.

p.s. eat your fucking hearts out. (you know who you are.)

Thu, 26 Jan 2006 01:40:56 GMT

I didn't know the fur industry was this bad....... watch and be educated, this is incredibly sad. Watch the video in the middle hosted by Trent Reznor.

http://www.furisdead.com/feat-trentreznor.asp

everyone try and post the link on your journal's too, it's important.

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 05:08:41 GMT

I am going to clog up all of your friends pages, because I am an ass.

You get me closer to God. " Physiologically speaking, the male climax was accomplished by a split second entirely devoid of thought. A brief mental vacuum. A moment of clarity during which God could be glimpsed." (Dan Brown)

Meditating for a few moments I realize that I am not so far detached from the protagonist in The Downward Spiral.

(My writings on Closer, posted on Echoing the Sound. New Paragraphs indicate new a different post)
Here are a few more viewpoints for you.

From an anthropological perspective, sex is divine because it is procreative...sex is creation, (creation of energy, children, etc.) it is the most divine act that two people can engage in because it affords them the power of god, in a way. Also, it is the closest state that two people can share because it allows the complete union of the physical and the etheric, or heavenly, bodies. It is, essentially, an energy exchange and, where an energy connection already exists, it can be made stronger by the act of sex. Wanting to be with someone so that it causes you to become completely animalistic does not seem to be as much about self-gratification or hedonism as it is about desiring someone so much that you would do anything to have that complete union with them, it becomes a raw and primal urge, a need, required to make one feel whole...it's not a self-centered act of fucking for one's own pleasure but is driven entirely by the other person, by your need to be that close to them in every realm of being, mind, body and spirit. "Fucking like an animal" isn't necessarily about raunchy, lustful sex for the sake of lust, but more about raunchy, lustful sex for the sake of love. Sex is more powerful when it means something, I'm not talking about great sex with a $50 whore, but referring instead to wanting that exchange of truth with someone so badly that sex with that person becomes a need...the energy created from that is much more powerful and the encounter more sexy because of it...if two people have that complete connection they are more able to open up to each other fully, through that connection, and freaky, passionate, lustful sex is more possible and more desirable. You want to feel everything about that person, you want them to give you a total sensory overload because you need to be drenched in their scent, what better way to attain that than fucking like an animal?..."reverting" to the primal urge to totally immerse oneself in the raw, divine, sexual and biological energy of the other person, becoming drenched in their very life force. Think, also, about the concepts of orgone accumulators, and sex magick...the scientist, Wilhelm Reich, studied the concept of biological, sexual energy, he believed it to be something akin to an electric current and he constructed an insulated box to capture it, which actually glowed when radiating bions/orgone were contained within it. Sex as energy, sex as connection, sex as immersing two people in the unifying flow of the universe, sex as a gateway to energy's divine light. It's an act that melds the physical and the ethereal, two extremes mix to become one, creating a balance of dichotomies...the balance of earth and heaven, lust and love, yin and yang, etc. Sex isn't completely physical, according to the sexual energy theory it is also possible to engage in sex, and attain orgasm, with a partner miles away, by feeling that connection and channelling it through the appropriate chakras, through the divine and universal energy force...hence, the idea of sex magick. And let's not forget about Barbarella and the sex machine, just because that's a really cheesy image to have stuck in your head for the rest of the day.

I think the tone of The Downward Spiral or Closer in general is much more complicated to label, it doesn't clearly have a spiteful tone or a loving one because it is comprised of both elements...hatred and reverence, or, more specifically, reverence that becomes hatred. Trent (or his DS persona) prefers pure, virginal energy and he preys on the sweet little things so that he can feel "sanctified" inside them, washing his evil, dirty self with purifying water. Someone mentioned "Reptile" though, which is almost a complete dichotomy to "Closer," both songs seem, to me, to be about that same object of his desire...she is his infection because she is also his cure, she has become his disease, he smells her sex, he needs it and begins viewing her as this horrible, dirty thing because of it, because, in order to feel closer to god, he needs her, and he doesn't want to need her...because of his need, she wields an unintentional power over him. This power construct begins coloring his perspective of her, it taints the relationship because of Trent's own perceptions, and his interaction with her becomes a paradox, given away by the conflicting dichotomies, the love hate lines...beautiful/liar, precious/whore...these lines serve to highlight his negative energies and how they are being projected onto her, blurring the concepts of "good" and "evil," ruining her "saintly" image; he is ruining her in his own eyes because he is conflicted over her "power" and maybe because he believes she is not living up to his expectations. Her energy can "save" him but he thinks his energy will taint her, he thinks himself impure, and he gets caught in a defeatist, self-fulfilling prophecy and inevitably begins seeing her colored by his ugly light also...she becomes tainted, to Trent, because he perceives that she has "power" over him, he finds his ugly scenario and condemns the relationship to an angsty and agonizing death. From god to the reptiles, she has slipped from her heavenly pedestal and is now a reptile with him, the supposed primary/basal form of our human evolution. The girl in "Closer" and "Reptile" sound like the same girl to me, it's just a further down the spiral scenario, further along in the "progression" of the relationship, (a lot probably happening between the two songs between them) note the honey/hive metaphor in "Closer" and the honey reference in "Reptile," which ties the two songs together. Wanting to fuck purity "like an animal" doesn't seem to be about intentionally objectifying as much as it is about needing a cure for the infection, needing that purity so much that the drive becomes a primal urge. Objectification seems like the obvious interpretation for "Closer" but I don't believe it is so cut and dried. In that scenario, Trent's DS persona is supposedly feeling horrible because he treated a girl like an object, stole her purity, and tossed her away, but I just don't buy that completely because he feels so conflicted and tormented about it...the character of people who engage in that egregious level of intentionally selfish and disrespectful serial behaviour don't tend to feel that badly about it, let alone as regretfully as Trent feels in "Hurt." Besides, purity can't be stolen, purity of energy is a constant thing and no one can steal that, unless she did something drastic, herself, to change it, she would still be pure and he would have no need to feel as if he destroyed her innocence. I think the exploitation must have been more unintentional, as a consequence of other things, of Trent destroying the encounter because of his mental constructs, not because objectification was the main intent of the exchange; if he meant to defile her from the beginning, he would never have viewed her as his cure, as something that helps him get "closer to god"...he honestly revered her but things became twisted because of the cure/curse paradox...we see how much more negative his outlook has become by the time we reach "Big Man" and "Reptile."
In order for Trent to "fuck [her] like an animal" it implies a certain extent of self-surrender on her part, she has to willingly open herself up in order to let him do these things, allowing him more access to her "curative" power but, his quest for this cure is also the one thing that makes him feel worse, more powerless to help himself, more dependent on her. He hates her more and more because of it, because it reduces him, in his own mind, it makes him feel vulnerable, as vulnerable as she must feel when she opens herself to let him violate her. It becomes cyclical - the more he wants and needs, the more deeply she opens up to him, the more "cure" he receives, the worse he feels...they go to extremes to exchange that medicine and, each time, as each encounter becomes stronger, he feels more disgusted, more unable to help himself. There is nothing he could have done to taint her, she is, nevertheless, tainted because of him though...because of his conflicted and changing perspectives, he feels like shit because he is letting her curative "power" over him affect his perceptions, he needs her and he doesn't want to so he is conflicted with himself, she becomes his simultaneous cure and disease, he wants her and hates himself and her because of it. As a consequence, we see him trying to reaffirm his own sexual power in "Big Man With A Gun." Her "closer to god" cure unintentionally reduced him to a vulnerable boy in need...he counters by acting out, throwing a tantrum, trying to convince himself that he doesn't need anything or anyone, that he has all the power he requires. He doesn't realize, until the end, that it was completely up to him to change, that she was only tainted because he let his own mental constructs ruin his "angel"...he wishes he could begin anew a million miles away and keep himself the next time, he realizes that he should have seen things in terms of symbiosis instead of in a power context...and he should never have let his tainted perceptions form such rigid mental constructs and color his outlook. It is not a song about love or hate, it's about both. "Closer" and "Reptile" show that there aren't dichotomies except those created by our own perceptions, that notions of good and evil can become inextricably intertwined and bound to each other, that a cure can become a disease, that a strong connection can create distance, that beauty can also be ugly, that "god" and "devil" are not opposing notions, that black and white meaning should really be grey. TDS is an album about challenging and tearing down traditional notions of dichotomies...illustrated, in particular, by the songs "Closer" and "Reptile." Blah, blah, fucking blah.

"You can never know enough about the shadow line, or the people who walk it" Raymond Chandler

letter

Mon, 23 Jan 2006 17:26:34 GMT

Another dream lost,to eternity another moment tossed in eternity. Anoter thing we said but didn't do, another way to slowly make love to you, and fail. And so it comes to this, the prophacies from the last few weeks will be fufilled, and you can expect these tools of God, these hands of mine on your soft, angel like skin. Don't try to tell me that you don't love me, and don't try to tell me that this isn't right. you have told me so many things, and I will see them through. I'm kicking down this wall to get to you, and I won't take no for an answer. Because no is not the answer, and tommorow is just an excuse. Don't tell me your not ready, when you know good and well that you are. Nothing but freedom, is what I'll ask for you, no ties, no "this is the way things have to be every time we hang out", and no obligations. I will show you what true love is really about. You are the one that talked about it, It's just my fault it was never seen through. I know where my path takes me, and I will follow it with confidence, you know I'm right, you've said it yourself.

Mon, 09 Jan 2006 22:42:47 GMT

my new idea on life is to sit at Cambridge Coffee every day of the week and do my homework, update my livejournal, and wait for people to call me. I'm at the updating my livejournal part (incase you havn't noticed).

Classes today were alot of fun, in my big 2 and a half hour gap between Music and English I hung out with/got lunch with Kali, which was nice, and then I went to English, in which my professor is this crazy-strict gay guy. But I did meet this girl today in English, which is strange (me meeting people), and it is even more strange due to the fact that I'm making so many friends down there so fast and most of them arn't the "types" of people you would think would approach me. Anyways this girl's name was Lauren and I had a really long conversation with her after class about males and how stupid 98% of them are. The interesting thing is that girls truly just need to accept the fact that they are attracted to asshole guys. Instead of ever going for nice guys, they're always going to go for the asshole and then spend the rest of their life wishing he was nice. What an interesting anomaly it turns out to be, eh? Oh, and another thing, how come I really only get along well with females? but stranger that that.....I always get along best with females that only get along with males. Isn't this some sort of paradox, oh I do believe so. I need some guy friends, is what I need. Although I have met this guy named Will, and we might hang out for the simple reason that he likes my music, and he's a drummer, and I really need a drummer.

anyways what the fuck was that ^? did I just write narrativly? I must apoligize, my friends, I assure you tommorow's entry will be a vague tale of internal conflict mixed in with alot of fluff, and wordy language to exacerbate the emotion of the subject matter. I swear.

another thing...I've got a headache.

Mon, 09 Jan 2006 03:23:31 GMT

I can't help but feeling
I could blow through the celieng

if I could be who you wanted....all the time.

Sun, 08 Jan 2006 01:59:47 GMT

Today, my friends, is a wonderful day. I hung out with Jonathon and Sarah most of the afternoon, and recorded our conversation the whole time on my new Voice Recorder (trademark symbol), and now I'm sitting in Cambridge Coffee (which has been my life ever since I have gotten a laptop) enjoying some live music and thinking about life. I think I had lost myself, there for a while-fell at bay to bitterness and anger. It makes you feel so dull inside, so dead to the world. Actually something interesting that's really been changing my outlook on things has been one of my old Bus Friends' (trademark) journal.

I'm back to doing things constructive, back to painting, photography, and making music. All in a very post-melancholy, pre-contentment kind of way. It's really hard to describe actually, but I feel great. More updates to come....maybe a slightly more positive theme.

p.s. thanks for still believing in me, you know who you are.

Wed, 28 Dec 2005 17:39:52 GMT

walked tight, your line
your wanted this time
there's no one to blame
just hold on to me.....

Mon, 19 Dec 2005 04:35:29 GMT

I've got a facebook now. Look me up I'm brad ward, my college is UAB (duh).

I updated my myspace too, and god someone needs to comment on that shit.